Bob Bears Up Behind Bars!

A few days after Bob's conviction I was allowed to visit to see how he was doing. The warder(who in all fairness does not know Bob very well) had allowed him to wear his best lifeboat jumper as acknowledgement of his good behaviour during his community service. Also he is allowed to work without his tag during daylight hours. There was even talk of promoting him to assistant to the manager of the warehouse.(No, these people will never learn - Ed.)

I found Bob on La Ferme Des Abeilles Heureuses which in English means "Happy Bees Honey Farm".

Bob was hard at work in the Provencale sunshine looking after his hives. I admit to a fair degree of surprise because I had never before seen Bob exert himself at anything that didn't come out of a glass, freezer or honey cupboard at home.

Apparently his honey and alcohol management courses were going well. He was down to one teaspoon of honey per day and had refrained from helping himself from the hives.

He seemed to have lost weight and his fur was in much better condition.  

Bob has been using his time well, in his free periods, to improve his management skills. He has even pawed up for a cake making course.
(Forward Note - if I ever take to a life of crime I will definitely rob a bank in France- Ed). I still haven't worked out what Bob is up to but I hope to have discovered his dark secret before the next missive.

Free Curly Bob!

The French authorities have received an avalanche of(well several actually) demands to release Curly Bob. By some underhand means Bob obtained copies of these and forwarded them on to me yesterday.

Bob's regular readers will be aware that this intrepid bear is never slow to spot any opportunity that presents itself.

During a Skpe exchange Bob felt a protest group should be formed to seek his release by putting pressure on the French government.
With his usual boundless modesty and sense of proportion Bob has suggested it be called "Freedom For Oppressed bears" or F.F.O.B

His proposed setup would be as follows:-

C.E.O. - Curly Bob

Head of Finance - Curly Bob

Head of Recruitment  - Curly Bob

Head of Human Resources - Curly Bob

Secretary & General Gopher - Myself

Bob's loyal fans will also remember the dreadful scandal concerning rumours of irregularities regarding  honey and chocolate collected on his behalf. It was intended this
mountain of donated honey etc would be used to pay the ransom demanded by (Las Patas Negras"(The Black Paws) following their dastardly kidnap of Bob in the Yucatan jungle.

I warned Bob of the risk of further damage to his reputation so he very reluctantly agreed that F.F.O.B will not see the light of day, for now at least.

Whilst relieved another PR disaster had been avoid I had a lingering suspicion that Bob was up to something. That twinkle in his eye usually spelled trouble for him and a lot of work for me.

It was 9.00 a.m. and Bob was due at his lecture on "Practical Bee Keeping For Bears Pt 7". The severity of the penal system in France never ceases to amaze me!

Before signing off(More like sciving off ...Ed) Bob directed that I post "Farmhouse, Provence", (long) after Van Gogh, an oil on canvas from the vault2.

Bob Up Before The Beak!

Curly Bob stood before the beak in Avignon yesterday. He was advised to plead guilty to reduce his sentence. His lawyer had thought about citing Bob’s previous conduct but then thought better of it.

Everyone accepted Bob’s good character and how he has worked tirelessly, (at least some of the time), in promoting my career and sales of paintings to raise money for charities.

When asked if he had anything to say Bob threw himself on the mercy of the court. In his defence he had not realised how honey, chocolate, ice cream and alcohol were so much more expensive in France than the U.K. It was because of this Bob had not realised the enormity of the debts he was running up.

Unsurprisingly the Magistrate was not too impressed by this. Perhaps if Bob had not sampled the delights of the wines & beers of Provence so much he might have noticed waiters staggering around resembling Quasimodo with massive trays of drinks etc. Several were thinking of suing Bob in connection with physiotherapy bills.

Having considered all the options he declared Bob guilty on all counts and a menace to the tourist trade. He went on to admit it was the saddest case of a bear being led astray by others of lower moral character (Clearly the Magistrate was delusional..Ed).

He was sentenced to 200 hours of unpaid community service at “La Ferme des Abeilles Heureuses” , “The Happy Bees Honey Farm” to help with the hives. (Will these people never learn?)

In addition Bob was ordered to attend a honey management course and an alcohol management course. Finally he would have to remain in France for the duration of his sentence. Any relapse in his behaviour would result in transportation to Devil’s Islands where it is well known that the spiders and other creepy crawlies are twice the size of those in the Yucatan. This definitely seemed to get Bob’s attention.

Bob would be allowed to keep his bear friendly IPad but had to wear an electronic tag on his lower left paw. I would be allowed to visit him on a regular basis. The magistrate concluded by expressing his hope that the sentence would be a deterrent to future freeloaders and “honey tourists”

Before being taken down Bob waved and asked me to post “Evening Light #2" an oil on canvas from many years ago. A touch of peace in troubled times.

Shameful News

I am deeply saddened and not a little ashamed to inform readers that Curly Bob is currently languishing in a prison cell on the outskirts of Avignon. All last week the Gendarmerie were hot on the trail of Bob and the net finally closed around him yesterday. To be fair a blind man could have found Bob by following the trail of empty honey jars, chocolate wrappers, empty wine and beer bottles not to mention a string of unpaid bar bills.

I took the first train to France to see what could be done and to ensure fair play in the legal system. After a long journey I arrived at the prison only to find I was too late for visiting time. Somewhat dejected I asked, in my best french, if Bob was O.K. The guard 's stony expression melted into a wide grin  saying " Ah oui, Monsieur Curly Bob!, tout ca va bien!".

I was then admitted and led through various corridors to the maximum security wing housing all the most dangerous murderers,( is there ever a safe murderer?), robbers and much worse. You can imagine my trepidation as I approached Bob's cell. I need not have worried.

I had to queue behind a line of guards and prisoners, in manacles, who were waiting patiently to be photographed with Bob and / or have his autograph. His cell was not what I expected. There was a large flat screen TV on the wall and a fridge by his bedside which was well stocked with his favourite honey  and chocolate.

Bob was playing poker with the Governor and 2 of the prison's most notorious hard cases. All 3 looked like they were nursing monumental hangovers. Curly Bob was his sprightly self and hardly visible behind a wall of poker chips.

During a comfort break (i.e. more drinks, snacks and photos) I took the Governor on one side. Both he and the 2 inmates were losing heavily. The Governor was in a difficult position as he was not supposed to be playing games with the inmates(- it is a prison after all.)

A more pressing matter was the 2 inmates who were known to have more "final" methods of clearing their debts(gulp!). Clearly Bob was unaware of the danger he was in and it was beyond his conception(nearly everything is-Ed) that he might disappear down the toilet bowl or worse.

There was also the matter of the prison's kitchen running out of honey, chocolate and ice cream. This would not endear him to his fellow prisoners who also resented what they regarded as his preferential treatment.

The Governor was on good terms with the local magistrate and we agreed it would be better for all concerned if Bob's trial date was moved forward in return for the Governor's debts being paid.

A couple of phone calls later and it was agreed Bob's trial could be held within a couple of days and meanwhile he would be held in solitary for his own safety. Before I left,  Bob asked me to keep posting my work pending his eventual release. Therefore here are 

"Egyptian Desert" 

and

"Elephants at Sunset"

Back in Good Old Blighty!

After some negotiations between our legal team and the prosecuting magistrate it was agreed that we couldn't be held responsible for Curly Bob's behaviour but the hotel bill still needed to be settled. A few phone calls later and I had arranged for the sale of several of my paintings the proceeds of which were promised to be paid over to settle Bob's outstanding hotel bill for his room and bar.

It seems we were believed that  we had absolutely no idea as to Bob's whereabouts. I made it quite clear that when I found Bob the Gendarmerie were the last thing he needed to worry about! I was cautioned that any violence committed against Bob would be treated as a criminal offence although they readily accepted that I had been provoked severely. I decided to settle accounts with Bob if and when he returned home.

On the way back to the U.K. I received several anonymous emails from Bob one of which suggested I post "Edna's Cat" - a work in mixed media from some years past.

Curly Bob Fait Un Clair de Lune (Curly Bob Does a "Moonlight")

One night in the middle of our holiday in the South of France we were woken up by the sound of someone tapping softly on our bedroom window. Initially I assumed it was a bird or other small animal then I remembered we were on the 4th floor. As I drew the curtains imagine my astonishment to see Bob dangling from a rope of knotted bed sheets. At first I thought he was escaping from a fire of from hordes of his fans.

However, the shameful truth was that Bob had run out of money. The hotel management had asked for settlement of the substantial (i.e. enormous) bar and room bill first thing the next morning or the Gendarmes would be summoned.(Cripes!) I said I would pay settle them with my credit cards but Bob told me not to bother because they had already been refused for exceeding their credit limits.

Given the desperate situation and risk to his international reputation I agreed to allow him to hide in my art satchel until we reached the rail station but after that he would have to act independently.(he would have shown up on the security X - Ray at Eurostar in  Paris.)

We went on a trip to a local village and smuggled him out past a very unhappy hotel manager who looked very unhappy as he spoke to someone on the phone repeating the phrase "disparu!, disparu!" As we walked past some of the hotel bears sat on a shelf I noted they looked particularly bleary eyed, no doubt after a farewell party.

We left him at the rail station and said our farewells. I wasn't unduly concerned as Bob is a seasoned traveler and can cope with most situations especially as I gave him a substantial amount of our remaining Euros.
Our day passed very pleasantly but on our return to the hotel we were astonished to see Bob's mugshot on posters plastered all over the town. At the hotel we were met by the hotel manager and  two of France's finest who wanted to know Bob's whereabouts. We feigned surprise but the rope of bed sheets outside of our bedroom window was a fatal flaw in our story. The bracelets were then slapped on us and within seconds we were being driven to the local pokey(prison to our readers abroad..Ed) We were charged with aiding and abetting a fugitive.

While languishing in my cell I was allowed to keep my I Pad(very liberal these French jails!). Bob tweeted me from somewhere in Provence and told me not to worry and to post the following painting "Dolpadarn Castle, Llanberis  " - an oil on canvas. I replied to tell Bob that the only worry was that I was going to wring his neck if I ever regained my freedom!

Curly Bob Heads South

We were under the impression that Curly Bob was staying at home to relax (i.e. to detox) after his recent trip to Paris with his punishing business agenda, (more likely all the excesses that The City Of Light can offer - Ed).

Therefore it was something of a surprise when I saw a porter in our hotel carrying a small mountain of bear sized suitcases very similar to those used by Bob when abroad. The porter asked us if we wanted the cases sent to our room on the 5th floor with the best view. We assumed this was a mistake as we were on the 4th. 

Apparently a suite had been reserved in our name. The following morning I rang Bob before breakfast. I invited him to stay with us but he said "not to worry" as he was very comfortable in his suite and he wanted me to get plenty of sleep so I could carry on producing ideas and sketches for paintings on our return home.

On arrival in the breakfast room I looked for the display of delicious locally produced jams and honeys to have with my croissants. They are kept in large jars. However to my dismay they were all almost empty and looked like they had been the victim of a horde of locusts (Do locusts eat jam or honey? - Ed) 

When I asked the staff member on duty he replied with a resigned shrug of the shoulders and rolled his eyes upwards with a very Gallic flourish. Other people may have thought he was seeking divine inspiration but I knew different.

On the way back to our room I was called aside by the manager who asked me to have a word with Bob. I agreed and rang Bob to ask if he could show a little consideration to his fellow guests by reducing his honey intake, turning down his music after midnight and certainly before 2 a.m. In addition his habit of tossing empty beer and wine  bottles out of the window was neither ecologically sound nor good for the health of the people passing by.

Bob was not impressed but agreed to leave some  honey and jam in future. (Personally I don't know what he does with such vast amounts of honey, jam and alcohol but for the benefits of his fans of a younger or more delicate disposition we will not dwell on the matter!)

We heard very little from Bob for several days apart from emails, tweets etc, one of which was a request for me to post "Dinorwig Slate Quarry, llanberis in winter" - an oil on canvas, not of Provence but certainly in a colour scheme not unknown to the area.